Last night I was thinking about our one Christmas with our two girls. It was joyful, noisy and busy in our house. We had no idea that within a handful of weeks our littlest would be spending her time with Jesus. That following year, '08, Christmas was quiet and sad. We did our best to make it Merry for our 3 year old, but we all knew there was someone missing. It was the oddest feeling in the world to watch that sweet little girl sit there by herself opening gifts with no sibling there to share it with.
I am extremely thankful for our two year old little boy. He came into our lives and brightened everything back up. When he is all grown up, I intend to look him in the eye and explain all of this.. and to tell him that God patched our hearts up with love for our little baby boy.
I am incredibly thankful for the two children I have here on Earth, and thankful, but longing- for the one I have in Heaven.
If you are going through the loss of a child during this season, I am soooo very sorry. I send you the biggest hug this post can hold. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here, we know that deep pain and the hollow feeling in your chest. I will continue praying each night for all of you. Hold tight to the knowledge that you Can see them again!
4
Today would have been our Lila's fourth birthday.
It's hard to wrap my mind around that, I can't believe it's been that long. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, and how close she would have been to her big sister.
Our lives would have been drastically different, that -I know for sure.
I'm thankful that God gave us the strength to keep going after her passing, to hold tighter to one another and to be able to manage the pain. We couldn't have done that without Him.
It's hard to wrap my mind around that, I can't believe it's been that long. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, and how close she would have been to her big sister.
Our lives would have been drastically different, that -I know for sure.
I'm thankful that God gave us the strength to keep going after her passing, to hold tighter to one another and to be able to manage the pain. We couldn't have done that without Him.
Home.
Muffin has gone home.
I took him there on Tuesday morning, and after meeting the supervisor and seeing the home I feel "okay" with leaving him there. It's not the life I would want to give him, but it's the life I believe he was meant to have.
His parents do love him and should be able to provide for him. His mom told me repeatedly that she'll be calling me. And emailing too... I know I need to stay out of their life and let them be a family. It will be hard to stay away from a child I raised for 8 months, but I hopefully will see him at least once a year around his birthday- since this is one thing his mother had mentioned in the past. I would like that.
We love Muffin and it's strange not having him here, but at the same time, we had forgotten what it was like to not be owned by the state and told what to do and how to do it- Constantly!
We may go back to fostering in the future, but now we are taking a break.
I took him there on Tuesday morning, and after meeting the supervisor and seeing the home I feel "okay" with leaving him there. It's not the life I would want to give him, but it's the life I believe he was meant to have.
His parents do love him and should be able to provide for him. His mom told me repeatedly that she'll be calling me. And emailing too... I know I need to stay out of their life and let them be a family. It will be hard to stay away from a child I raised for 8 months, but I hopefully will see him at least once a year around his birthday- since this is one thing his mother had mentioned in the past. I would like that.
We love Muffin and it's strange not having him here, but at the same time, we had forgotten what it was like to not be owned by the state and told what to do and how to do it- Constantly!
We may go back to fostering in the future, but now we are taking a break.
Wow!
God is quite obviously in charge as far as Muffin's future is concerned. I mean, I knew this all along, but now I can actually see it.
We got a call on Friday night from the DCS Supervisor. They are moving Muffin back home now- as in - the next two weeks and there will be a provider that stays in the home for LONG periods of time monitoring and teaching his parents. This is such amazing news I could hardly believe it. They didn't want to move him to another foster home, and they actually listened to us when we said that the case was dragging on for too long and not showing progress. Now he will be reunited, his parents will have some much needed training, and he will be relatively safe. This means he will stay with us for one to two more weeks until they get everything in place and make their referrals. The only thing that can derail this is the judge saying no- (which is unlikely given the info and the plan) or if Muffin's parents do something ridiculous or refuse to have long periods of supervision in the home.
Please keep praying for this little guy.
We are so pleased at the work that God is doing in his life.
Just when we thought we were quitting and not going to see this to the end...
the end is now in sight and progress will finally be made.
Praise God!
We got a call on Friday night from the DCS Supervisor. They are moving Muffin back home now- as in - the next two weeks and there will be a provider that stays in the home for LONG periods of time monitoring and teaching his parents. This is such amazing news I could hardly believe it. They didn't want to move him to another foster home, and they actually listened to us when we said that the case was dragging on for too long and not showing progress. Now he will be reunited, his parents will have some much needed training, and he will be relatively safe. This means he will stay with us for one to two more weeks until they get everything in place and make their referrals. The only thing that can derail this is the judge saying no- (which is unlikely given the info and the plan) or if Muffin's parents do something ridiculous or refuse to have long periods of supervision in the home.
Please keep praying for this little guy.
We are so pleased at the work that God is doing in his life.
Just when we thought we were quitting and not going to see this to the end...
the end is now in sight and progress will finally be made.
Praise God!
Tough Choice.
We had to make a tough choice. We were feeling completely overwhelmed with the new visitation schedule for the baby. DCS has decided, despite what there plan was all along, that they are hurrying to pursue reunification and place baby back in the home within a couple months. We are unsure how they could decide this based on all the facts about his parents and their life choices, but this is what they are working toward. The schedule has now increased and instead of driving 44 miles a day (leaving the house twice a day to drop off and pick up) three times a week- it will be increasing until it is nearly every day of the week until reunification.
Also- we do not have advanced notice on the schedule, if we are lucky we know the day before, but recently it has become a situation where I sit at home and wait for a text to let me know what time I have to drive him to the drop off point. This means that every day I cannot make any plans until baby is dropped off already, and then I have to work around that pickup time that his parents chose. I found myself having to reschedule my own children's dr appointments, parent teacher conference, and the like around what works for the baby's parents. That's tough.
We have endured a lot as a family over the last (almost) eight months, and it is taking it's toll. We have decided that quitting is the best decision for our household. It is going to be very hard to see Muffin moved to another foster home for the next 8 weeks until he goes home, but with this increased schedule it is best for him to be living closer to his bio home. He does think we are his parents, you can tell that by his reactions to us- and it's going to be hard to see him leave- but it is better that it happens now so that his own bio mom is his main focus, his familiar face. He is headed home to be with her soon, and we are thankful that he will have that family, we will just be praying like mad that she does everything she is supposed to do.
There are moments that this eats me up because I personally feel like a "quitter" but the last eight months have been some of the most difficult of our lives, which is saying a lot considering the pain we went through when our Lila passed away in '08. We will once again be saying goodbye to a baby, but in a different way of course.
DCS in our county is not functioning the way we believe that it should, and without going into detail, we will say that in the future- when our kids are both in school- and should the DCS office have new employees - we may go back to fostering.
We did ask for a transfer to another county since we are right by the county line, but they said that was not possible. There are so many factors that led us to this decision, it's not just the driving, it's not just the corruption of the system, or the case manager treating us poorly, it's all of it added together-
the system does not serve the children in the best possible way, it's really quite sad how badly it fails.
We love Muffin so much, this is going to be very hard- but we love our own children too and right now this is just not working. Please pray for us, we'd really appreciate it.
Also- we do not have advanced notice on the schedule, if we are lucky we know the day before, but recently it has become a situation where I sit at home and wait for a text to let me know what time I have to drive him to the drop off point. This means that every day I cannot make any plans until baby is dropped off already, and then I have to work around that pickup time that his parents chose. I found myself having to reschedule my own children's dr appointments, parent teacher conference, and the like around what works for the baby's parents. That's tough.
We have endured a lot as a family over the last (almost) eight months, and it is taking it's toll. We have decided that quitting is the best decision for our household. It is going to be very hard to see Muffin moved to another foster home for the next 8 weeks until he goes home, but with this increased schedule it is best for him to be living closer to his bio home. He does think we are his parents, you can tell that by his reactions to us- and it's going to be hard to see him leave- but it is better that it happens now so that his own bio mom is his main focus, his familiar face. He is headed home to be with her soon, and we are thankful that he will have that family, we will just be praying like mad that she does everything she is supposed to do.
There are moments that this eats me up because I personally feel like a "quitter" but the last eight months have been some of the most difficult of our lives, which is saying a lot considering the pain we went through when our Lila passed away in '08. We will once again be saying goodbye to a baby, but in a different way of course.
DCS in our county is not functioning the way we believe that it should, and without going into detail, we will say that in the future- when our kids are both in school- and should the DCS office have new employees - we may go back to fostering.
We did ask for a transfer to another county since we are right by the county line, but they said that was not possible. There are so many factors that led us to this decision, it's not just the driving, it's not just the corruption of the system, or the case manager treating us poorly, it's all of it added together-
the system does not serve the children in the best possible way, it's really quite sad how badly it fails.
We love Muffin so much, this is going to be very hard- but we love our own children too and right now this is just not working. Please pray for us, we'd really appreciate it.
Life.
Sometimes life after loss is difficult because of things other people say.
That sounds silly, doesn't it? But it's not, it's actually quite truthful.
I find myself struggling the most on days when I hear other people say that they hate their life. Especially people with all of their children (here on Earth). I don't know how you can be a parent with your family intact and be so ungrateful that you can announce on social media sites that you "hate your life."
I wish people would take notice of their lives, their children, their blessings and be glad they have never walked a mile in these shoes.
That sounds silly, doesn't it? But it's not, it's actually quite truthful.
I find myself struggling the most on days when I hear other people say that they hate their life. Especially people with all of their children (here on Earth). I don't know how you can be a parent with your family intact and be so ungrateful that you can announce on social media sites that you "hate your life."
I wish people would take notice of their lives, their children, their blessings and be glad they have never walked a mile in these shoes.
The Grief/Joy Exchange.
This past week I had a bad day.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.
This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.
I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.
Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.
This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.
I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.
Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.
Our New Addition
It is crazy the transformation that can take place from one child to the next. When I was blessed with Abigayl, I never once thought about SIDS. I was more concerned with autism. It is what is talked about in the media so it was the only real concern I had. After she passed and Rowynn came along, all I could think about was SIDS. To this day, I am thankful for my obgyn making the judgment call to bring in a pediatrician that set us up with the apnea monitor. I don't think I would have survived Rowynn's infancy without that machine.
With Brennyn, we have the apnea monitor but we rarely use it. I find myself at peace with knowing God is in control and Brennyn will be okay.
For all of you mommies that have recently lost your sweet baby or those of you who have been on the journey for months or years, it will eventually get "easier". I have been walking this road for three years and through there are days I don't feel my heart will survive, there are many more days that I am full of joy. Not only joy from Abigayl's brothers but, joy that lies in the memories I have of my beautiful daughter.
Hello There
I hope this post finds all the mommies doing well.
Things are going well here, we are still fostering the sweet little baby they brought to us in March. Today is the four month mark since he came through our door. I have lots of mixed feelings about the foster system. I also have lots of mixed feelings when people talk to me about adoption. After our Lila Grace went to Heaven we considered whether or not to adopt. We are still leaving it an open option for the future, but for now we are just not ready. This particular child has been awaiting reunification- but it is starting to look like it may take longer than expected based on the parents recent behavior and choices. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to see a child be neglected by it's parents when you've lost one of your own. I don't know what is going through their minds, but I have tried to explain to them the depth of pain I experienced with losing our baby. They say they can't imagine and don't want to try, and at the same time they don't do what's necessary to get their son back. I have to accept that my loss doesn't always affect others the way I'd want it to. I'd like to know that everyone who hears Lila's story is suddenly aware of how precious human life is- but unfortunately- it's not always that way.
Things are going well here, we are still fostering the sweet little baby they brought to us in March. Today is the four month mark since he came through our door. I have lots of mixed feelings about the foster system. I also have lots of mixed feelings when people talk to me about adoption. After our Lila Grace went to Heaven we considered whether or not to adopt. We are still leaving it an open option for the future, but for now we are just not ready. This particular child has been awaiting reunification- but it is starting to look like it may take longer than expected based on the parents recent behavior and choices. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to see a child be neglected by it's parents when you've lost one of your own. I don't know what is going through their minds, but I have tried to explain to them the depth of pain I experienced with losing our baby. They say they can't imagine and don't want to try, and at the same time they don't do what's necessary to get their son back. I have to accept that my loss doesn't always affect others the way I'd want it to. I'd like to know that everyone who hears Lila's story is suddenly aware of how precious human life is- but unfortunately- it's not always that way.
If you would pray for us, we would greatly appreciate it. This little guy could use prayers concerning his future and who his forever family will be.
Thanks for stopping by to check in and for praying.
Also- Huge praise!! Raychel (country mom from Oklahoma) Just had a baby boy! He is absolutely adorable, just like his big brother and his big sister in Heaven. Congratulations, Raych!!
our foster baby- we call him muffin 
Hard Day
We are just a few weeks away (May 23) from what would have been Abigayl's third birthday and the culmination of all the events this month has left me in a wake of drippy eyes and a vast amount of sadness.
I tend to wonder if the approach of these anniversaries and milestones will get any easier. It feels like I will be on a smooth road of how to deal with the loss and pain but, out of nowhere I hit a ginormous pot hole that pulls me in and makes me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of emotion. Thankfully, most of the time I am able to pull myself up after a short cry and continue on with my day. Today on the other hand, I feel as though the water is rising all around me and I can't seem to keep my head above water today.
I think my trigger today was walking by all of the adorable, frilly girl clothes and feeling so bummed that I am so limited in the boys department. It makes me miss the days when I had the sheer joy of getting to dress Abigayl up like my own little baby doll. Though I do enjoy getting to dress Rowynn up, the choices are far more limited than what girls have to chose from.
Stack on top of that the fact that mother's day is right around the corner and though I have the joy of my sweet little man, I also have a huge crevice in my heart where the memory of my sweet baby girl lies. It hits home that I never got to have her in my arms on a mother's day. If that isn't enough, Abigayl's birthday is quickly approaching and isn't helping matters.
I just pray that these types of days get easier.
I tend to wonder if the approach of these anniversaries and milestones will get any easier. It feels like I will be on a smooth road of how to deal with the loss and pain but, out of nowhere I hit a ginormous pot hole that pulls me in and makes me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of emotion. Thankfully, most of the time I am able to pull myself up after a short cry and continue on with my day. Today on the other hand, I feel as though the water is rising all around me and I can't seem to keep my head above water today.
I think my trigger today was walking by all of the adorable, frilly girl clothes and feeling so bummed that I am so limited in the boys department. It makes me miss the days when I had the sheer joy of getting to dress Abigayl up like my own little baby doll. Though I do enjoy getting to dress Rowynn up, the choices are far more limited than what girls have to chose from.
Stack on top of that the fact that mother's day is right around the corner and though I have the joy of my sweet little man, I also have a huge crevice in my heart where the memory of my sweet baby girl lies. It hits home that I never got to have her in my arms on a mother's day. If that isn't enough, Abigayl's birthday is quickly approaching and isn't helping matters.
I just pray that these types of days get easier.
Trying to Make Sense of it all..
Hey there, Carrie here. Hope this post finds everyone doing alright. We're still fostering for the little guy who arrived in March. He's two months old now (we got him at nine days old). I have found that sometimes I get to thinking about our Lila Grace and how badly we wanted her in our family. Sometimes I just have to tell myself not to try to make sense of it all- there are these sweet little babies in foster care, and yet our baby is in Heaven. It's like playing the "what if game" in your mind. It's not worth it, and it hurts- but you still find yourself doing it from time to time. Losing a baby is so hard, I tried to explain the hurt to the mother of our foster child. She acted like she understood, but if I'd really reached her with our story, you'd think she'd never miss a visit or an opportunity to see her precious baby- but she does. There isn't a way to make sense of it... Only God knows the reasons. And until I get to Heaven, I have to keep on trusting that He knows what's best for me in this life..
Big hugs to all the other mommas going through the loss of a child.
Feel free to email if you need someone to talk to.
Big hugs to all the other mommas going through the loss of a child.
Feel free to email if you need someone to talk to.
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